a heart that would bow down...

untitled

2007-07-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

if God is going to use me, i absolutely must die to self.

community

2007-06-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

recently i've been pondering a lot what direction i need to take for ministering to others in the body. what is He calling me to do? to whom is He calling me to minister? what is my role to be?
as i've been seeking, i've been struggling with listening to what He was saying. but i heard two messages yesterday, both on acts 2, both talking about the fellowship of believers. as i was processing both of them, i realized that the way He's revealing Himself in our generation is completely relational. it hasn't always been this way, but people today need a personal, relational connection to be able to subscribe to something. spiritual life the way we know it demands to be expressed in the context of community. He is currently in the process of moving me into a new type of community. i once heard someone say that if you want to know God's will for your life, follow the relationships. He reminded me of that this morning on my way to work. He told me that if i pursue (with the purposes of God) the relationships He puts in my life, He will give clarity and direction through that. my spiritual life will be fueled by this kind of purposeful community.

following

2007-04-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

the message for a disciple of Jesus was simple: FOLLOW ME.
if you take a look at the life and ministry of Jesus, it wasn't exactly "well-organized." (not like the churches we have today.) He was anti-institutional and impractical. His methods for healing and spiritual disciplines were far from consistent. one day He's just speaking to a blind guy and he's healed, another time He goes to all the trouble to spit in the mud and put it on the blind man's eyes to impart healing.
the point is: Jesus didn't do this on accident. He knew that if He gave His followers a formula, then that's what they would follow. instead of following Him. if we had a recipe for spiritual success, we would simply use that instead of seeking HIM. the dependence would be on a system instead of a divine Person.
He says, "follow ME," not "follow my example," or "follow my methods."
Jesus was impractical because that's what He calls us to be. that's what a life of faith looks like.
when Peter was talking to Him about this after the resurrection, he was already getting sidetracked... asking about what would happen to john. Jesus said, basically, that was not to be peter's concern. "What is that to you? You follow Me!"
there is a difference between following Him and following His example. for the latter, my focus is set on my behavior... it's about what i do. but for the former, it is about being with Him. when i am following Him, i am in His presence, close enough to hear Him speak. HE is the object of my attention, energy, devotion.

the courts

2007-04-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

psalm 96:8
ascribe to the Lord the glory of His name; bring an offering and come into His courts.

He has extended an invitation for us to come into the courts... into His presence!

will i come?

will i stay there?

no really... i am still here

2007-03-15T23:07:00.001-07:00

sorry it's been a while... just in case people are still out there checking my blog.
honestly, i don't like to write down what's going on unless i feel like it's substantial. and the past week has been the first time in quite a while when i feel like i have been in His presence enough to receive anything of substance. but what a rich week it has been! so there's a few thoughts about what i should even say right here... but i'm just going to stick to one train of thought per post so as to not overwhelm. (overwhelm myself that is!)
He's been showing me consistently that any creativity i want to express is going to be a result of being in His presence. it's just not in me, but when i am with Him, when i really get to be with Him, He stirs it up in me and pulls it out of me.

Isaiah 6:4-7
And the foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the temple was filling with smoke. Then I said, "Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts." Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand which he had taken from the altar with tongs. He touched my mouth with it and said, Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is forgiven." Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

so the truth is that our very condition is changed when we are in His presence. isaiah's lips were purged of sin... and God has made atonement for my sin as well. and then... gosh this is good. it's not so much that He sends us out. the original Hebrew word there also means "to set free, to let loose." so He changes who we are, and then lets us loose to express ourselves creatively. it's not so much that He's forcing us into certain roles to fulfill our destinies... but it's that we come into His presence and when we are made holy, He then releases us to live out our dreams.
that takes a lot of pressure off of the decision making process! He has put in me what He wants me to do, and He allows me to tap into that when i come into His presence. and then i can live in the freedom of knowing my choices to live out my passions are also working to fulfill His purpose for me.

well it's been a while...

2006-12-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

so... i've haven't exactly been a faithful blogger. but i've been reading these "daily meditations" by watchman nee, and this one was so exciting for where i am, i just had to post it. and i'm going to try to do better in the future, starting with this. really.

We are always in danger of setting a limit to what God can do. Today God wants us to prepare for a new release in the work of the gospel, but we set him a target beyond which our faith is not prepared to go. We have not understood the flight of the Lord's "arrow of victory." Our gratification over the hundred souls that have come to Him may be the thing that hinders them coming in their thousands. Is it not possible that the large hall we have built for the proclamation of the gospel may impose a limit on future growth? There is always a grave danger of circumscribing God's grace. The blessing He gives is intended to pave the way for greater blessing, never to become a barrier to it. By all means let us work to a plan, but let us shake ourselves from all trammels of the past and live in a state of constant expectancy. Right ahead of us lies a work immensely greater than that which lies behind. God plans for us unprecedented blessings.

hungry

2006-08-29T16:18:00.000-07:00

this time in my life is marked by a deep hunger, a craving for more intimacy with the Holy Spirit, more authroity and power in my life as a result of that intimacy. but i find that grasping and reaching for it doesn't work. i've tried, but now i realize, all over again, that it will never work. i have to be poised to receive. completely still, getting only what He gives freely.
but i wrestle with this anxiety that attacks my spirit, telling it to be busy. i want to be still, but i am not. i clean my room instead. what am i afraid of? why is it so hard to listen?

leaving...

2006-08-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

i am about to leave lifeway... my last time as the student ministry publishing intern. i am so excited to come back to auburn... refreshed, renewed even. i am kind of surprised i am so sad to be leaving lifeway, but i am. it has been hard at times, but what a rich summer! He is faithful to the end.

Israel

2006-07-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

one thing i heard at church sunday, which has been brought to my spiritual attentions a few times since i have been here in nashville, is the situation in Israel. i still don't understand the situation fully, but this i know: it is important for me, as a daughter of God, to be praying toward peace in Israel. i'm still trying to do some research, to understand what's going on, but i know that it all plays a key role in end times, which of course, i believe is happening right now, all around us.
pray for the peace of Israel, and against the forces of evil working in the middle east.

thought for the day

2006-07-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes the world around me feels so completely surreal, and the only thing that i know is real is Him. i know Him, i hear Him, i sense His sweet presence. and everything else seems impossible.
other times it's the exact opposite... i feel like He is distant, and this world that surrounds me is the only reality i have.
both of these must be the product of living in this dimension of time--not what i was ultimately created for. but here i am.

good stuff...

2006-06-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

"For this commandment which I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach. It is not in heaven, that you should say, 'Who will go up to heaven for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?' Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, 'Who will cross the sea for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?' But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it."
deuteronomy 30:11-14
rejoice! the Word (Jesus!!) is "very near you." isn't that the heart of the gospel? how exciting!

sweet patience

2006-06-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

so recently my time with God every morning has been less that wonderful. don't get me wrong, by the time i'm in my car and driving to work, i'm doing better, and i guess i'm a little more functional. that's when i have my good prayer time. but when i'm actually sitting around reading the Word, trying to spend time with Him, it's like a huge flop. i got kind of frustrated about it today, and really most days i kind of do. it's like i can't make myself come together and connect with Him spiritually. so when i was talking to Him about that today, He put something on my heart that really freed me up some. He showed me that i'm pretty frustrated with myself, but gosh, He certainly isn't. He's not taken off guard by my incapacities, and He's not getting impatient with me. that's all my own doing. ha! i really complicate things sometimes. He's just glad i'm hanging out with Him. what a picture of patience. He showed me that a lot of the reason i'm not connecting goes back to trying to function out of my resources. it's like i'm working from emotions, my physical state (of sleepiness, usually), and my mental capacities. but He just wants me to put aside my fleshly resources (work of the soul, as watchman nee would call it)... and just be free in the Spirit. but He's not impatient for me to get to that point.

thinking...

2006-06-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

i've spent a lot of time alone here in nashville. not necessarily lonely, but alone. like driving in the car everyday, exercising, time in my office. just being alone. i know it's been good for me, i've had so much more time to think. not to think about anything in particular, but just to think. (side note: sometimes i wonder how much time i waste thinking about things i've already thought about so much that i'm beating that thought like beating a dead horse. why not think about something different and open my mind to something new?)
anyway, He showed me last night that when i get bored, i am eager to engage my mind with something to fight the boredom off. whether it be entertainment or even reading or something productive, stillness of the mind makes me stir-crazy. He's beginning to show me more and more how to use those times to just be with Him. it's hard to explain, but it's like i'm learning to release the need to have my mind occupied, and it's ok to just let it run wild with Him. just sitting and thinking and sitting and thinking could seem boring, but when He engages my spirit in a simultaneous experience with that, it can be quite exciting. i don't know if any of this makes sense, but welcome to my world right now. like i said... i've just had a lot of time to think.

quick thought

2006-06-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

"No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God which cost me nothing..." (David, in 2 Samuel 24:24)
He keeps asking me, over and over, ever since i read this verse last week... what am i offering Him that has cost me nothing? and what do i need to offer that will cost me dearly? just a quick thought for the day.

work

2006-06-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

well it's been interesting having this job. i'm learning a lot... about the real world and how it's really not that fun! but i'm thankful He has me here for this short-term season to prepare me for real jobs down the road (maybe way down the road...)
anyway, working at LifeWay has specifically been a stretching experience for me. sometimes it's hard, cause i'm really not doing that much work in JOURNALISM, which, of course, is my major. and let's talk about how "anti-mainstream" i hyped myself up about being this whole past semester. well, welcome to the mainstream of Christianity: LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention. get my drift? the Lord has such a great sense of humor! i am getting practical experience, and i know that this is where the He wanted me to be for this summer.
so the other day i was praying on my way to work (i have a 25 minute commute) and i was just praying for friends, family, etc. i started praying for my mom, and randomly started praying for her situation at work. i know it really wears her out sometimes, largely because of the people she works with (and where they are spiritually...). anyway, i just got this idea to pray that it would be her place of ministry, and that she would absolutely love getting to go everyday, because she's so blessed by getting to pour into the lives of those she works with. and that instead of feeling drained, she would be energized by her work, not because of the work, but because of the impact it would make for God's kingdom. it made sense, but was kind of random.
but then God showed me that was the same thing i needed to be praying for myself! work has been wearing me out, but He wants it to be a time of blessing for me because i get to minister in the Spirit to other believers (who often seem discouraged or "worn-out" on the whole church thing), all day long!

all He wants

2006-06-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

i had the greatest revelation this morning... and i'm going to try to explain it. but really, i would have never understood if someone else had told me. it had to come from Him. that's what made it so authentic and just plain good.
He told me that the only thing He wants from me is my undivided love. sure, that's something i had heard before. but then He went and followed the belief systems i had that lay beneath that. and He pointed out to me that i've been taught that all the good works and spiritual things i do are simply a byproduct of my loving relationship with Him. which is completely true. but then He showed me what i believed of Him that was not true. somewhere i had been deceived, and although i have never said it, or even realized it, i believed that the reason He wanted this love relationship with me was for the fruit: the good works and spiritual things. but that's not true. really, all He wants is my love. that's it. just that simple.
He went on to reveal to me that those byproducts of my relationship with Him (fruit of the Spirit, basically) aren't so much a result of my love for Him as they are a result of my realizing His love for me. they are a gift from Him. they are the fruit of the Spirit. so it's like He has offered me a seed (the Holy Spirit) as a present. when someone gives you a seed as a gift, the gift is much more than the seed itself! it is the fruit and beauty that seed will produce when handled rightly. and so is His gift to me! all the fruit in my life is part of His gift to me, not mine to Him! when i recognize that i can see that these are not the things He wants most from me. which brings me back the point He was trying to get across in the first place: all He wants from me is simply love.

a season of rest...

2006-06-04T15:34:00.000-07:00

‘Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness,
and speak kindly to her.
Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor
as a door of hope
and she will sing there as in the days of her youth, as in the day
when she came up from the land of Egypt.
It will come about in that day, declares the Lord, that you will call me ISHI (husband)
and will no longer call me Baali (slavemaster).
For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth
so that they will be mentioned by their names no more.’
Hosea 2:14-17

at long last

2006-05-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

well i made it. i feel like i've been talking about it forever and now i'm finally here in nashville. or brentwood rather. i am staying with the most wonderful gillem family. they have already been such a blessing, and i am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness once again. He has reminded me that their hospitality and kindness is simply an extension of His love toward me. and i am so grateful.
also got a tour of downtown nashville last night... mr. gillem wanted me to be able to make it to work tomorrow with no problems. it looks so fun and there seems to be plenty to do. now the trick is finding people to have fun with!
He has promised great things. i know He will be faithful. He showed me that He wants me to take iniative and take risks, not trusting in myself, but in who i know Him to be.

time at home

2006-05-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

so i've basically been a slacker and haven't posted in a really long time. probably because there hasn't been much happening in my life. not that i'm complaining. i have loved my time of resting here at home.
i did get to go visit Misty last week, and one thing she was talking about really struck a chord with me: we go deeper and progress more with God when we come to Him as a child. we must recognize how we have nothing without Him. this also ties in with a book i'm reading (yes, i've lifted my ban) called The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee. he speaks of how the only ground by which we can draw near to God is the precious Blood of Christ. nothing else works. it made sense. if i feel like i've done a better job or done more for the Lord, my conscience is clear and i feel as though i can approach Him freely. but if not... if i know i have messed up... sometimes i tend to avoid Him. but in both cases, the only way i can draw near is to come by the Blood, for that is what makes me righteous, not my actions.
so i'm moving to nashville in less than a week! i'm so excited! the Lord has promised amazing things for my ten weeks there. if you are from nashville or are just there hanging out, give me a call!

where does the time go?

2006-05-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

unbelievable how quickly this year has gone. i remember my first-ever blog post (january) was when i was studying for my first test in public administration. i was procrastinating, of course. so tomorrow is my final in the same class, and i thought it only appropriate to end the semester by procrastinating and posting on my blog again.
lots of thoughts run through my head at the end of every spring. what adventure lies ahead for the summer is always at the forefront... but not quite so much as a certain sadness i feel. like i can't stop time from going so fast... or really even slow it down. this year the sadness isn't quite as strong, probably because i'm a little more burned out than usual (all the spiritual activity-ha!). each year at auburn gets a little better... each year i grow a little closer to my sweet Jesus. He's so faithful. i'm reflecting over this year and can't help but recognize how much He's done. but also can't help but think of how much He has to do in me. oh that He would make me more like Him.
(side note: i love the little things He does too... like the sovereignty over my class schedule. it's all too perfect how all my classes fit together--i received some kind of spiritual truth out of each of them. but even more, i learned some things from some classes that linked to other ones.)
but another end of the year just makes me want to go back and relive some of the times... maybe skip over some of the other ones. but i know He's been there with me the whole time. even when i couldn't see it or feel it. He asked me the other day if i believed He was working in and through me even though i couldn't tell... my answer, truthfully was no. and that's wrong. feelings aren't truth, and He certainly isn't limited by them!
anyway... to wrap these ramblings up... the time issue always troubles me around this time of year, so i thought i'd share this little analogy courtesy of c.s. lewis (i can't take credit for this one unfortunately):
isn't it funny how we're always so surprised by time? it is the very dimension in which we live, and still, we're shocked by it. "where did the time go?" or "my how time flies!"... like it's a complete novelty EACH TIME. isn't that strange? it would be like a fish constantly commenting in surprise that water is actually wet. and wouldn't we think that was strange. we would, unless we knew that the fish was destined to one day become a land animal.
we live in time, but were not created for it. we were created for a greater purpose: eternity.
"He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart..."
ecclesiastes 3:11

a promise for summer

2006-04-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

for the past couple of weeks, i've found my daily time with the Lord isn't renewing... instead it's turned to routine. i believe this routine is a byproduct of my own complacency. i find myself burned out, not just with school, but with everything. eager for change. tired of spiritual activities which seem to consume my schedule, my life. whatever happened to just being? the frustrating thing is seeing it and being incapable of "fixing" it as i like to try to do. it's just a place of dependency. immaturity, yes. but learning even more so.
it's like He showed me this... i can't see past the spiritual activity in my life to see Him (which is funny cause you'd think i would find Him in that, not past it). so He told me it's time for me to find Him somewhere else. either somewhere where i'm not doing anything (the lack of activity) or maybe just finding Him in doing "non-spiritual" activity. or maybe both.
but what sustains me in the midst of this is His promise (He's so faithful!!!). He led me to pray for this summer to be a period of rest, refreshing, renewal. and not just for me, but for the whole Body of Christ in auburn. He showed me that only He can give us the rest so we can fight the battle He has called us to fight (lots of this has come through reading in Joshua). at the thought of fighting spiritually the other day, i suddenly felt exhausted. instead, He wants us to feel exhilarated from His presence.
side note: it's like how mary could sit for hours at His feet while martha bustled about. mary had chosen the best thing. she wasn't wrapped up in spiritual activity. she just wanted to BE with Him.
so friends... fellow soldiers... brothers and sisters... know that your rest, renewal and refreshing are in my prayers (especially for this summer) so that we may be fully equipped in Him to take the Promised Land side by side.

distracted

2006-04-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

i should be writing my paper for perspectives right now. but i'm having a real hard time focusing. big surprise.
over the past few weeks i think i've gotten a picture of what complacency looks like. i've come to truly despise my own casualness towards Him at times. it's funny how He's changed the way i see things over the years. i remember back in high school i used to use "laziness" and "complacency" interchangeably. of course, that's also when i thought if i didn't have my quiet time every day then i was a pretty bad christian. point being... it's not that i'm really that lazy now. rather, quite the opposite problem. my schedule is full of hard work for the Lord. when it's not something directly ministry related, it's probably school work, which of course, i am studying to show myself "approved unto God" and doing all things as unto the Lord, etc., blah blah blah. you get the idea. so it's not laziness. nope... it's complacency. and how does it happen? i was talking about this earlier today. it's like one small compromise creates a gap between He and i. and then the space grows, and as it does, my vision of how big that space is gets clouded. and all of the sudden, it hits me one day that our intimacy has been terribly disrupted. why didn't it hit me before? complacency. hmmmm.....
the shame of realizing it, especially after being in such a place of intimacy (enter pride: "i should be above that... what a lie!!). and the joy of forgiveness. the sweetness of His presence returning. the gladness of my heart just to be with Him.

without love, i am nothing

2006-04-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

i've been trying to memorize 1 corinthians 13. and one thought keeps returning... i really don't have much of a grasp on what it really is to love. the Lord has used a lot of situations in my life to bring this to light for me. He shows me my immaturity in the way i relate to people... the way i respond when people don't do what i think they should do. the other day my own shallowness and selfishness just kind of hit me in the face all at once. gross! i had to ask Him to change me. really change me. and i believe He can... in fact, this weekend, He kind of started the process. i was at home for easter. and it was like one thing after another just kept pricking my heart and i began to feel a very deep hurt. it's interesting how He'll use what i'm doing in school to teach me spiritual lessons. i was writing a story for my feature writing class about globalization affecting rural alabama towns, so of course i focused on abbeville. and it really broke my heart by the time i finished my story. talking to so many people whose lives are basically getting washed out in this huge process. all that to say... in the car on the way home i was talking to the Lord about how sad it made me. and not just the globalization, other things at home too. but the hurt was just bearing down on my spirit with this unbelievable pressure. and that's when He told me that He hurts too. only much more deeply, because He loves more deeply. the love won't come easily. it hurts to really love. but He's beginning the process in me, and i'm thankful.

sweetness

2006-04-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

psalm 119:103
"how sweet are Your words to my taste! yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth!"
the other day i was with a friend and some comment was made about how much i love sweets. it's no secret. i have little or no self-control when it comes to eating the sweet stuff. especially chocolate. i just love it. the next day i was just spending some time with the Lord, enjoying the sweetness of His presence. and He made those two thoughts collide. and here was the result: what if the sweetness of His presence was such a reality to me that i never had the desire to eat any sweets because i already have His presence? wow. i started thinking about how often i have cravings for sweets. He wants me to literally taste the sweetness of His words, His presence... to stop running to the kitchen when i have a craving for something sweet, and instead retreat into my room for a taste of His presence.

disengaged

2006-04-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

something interesting the Lord has been teaching me over the past week or two: when we walk by the Spirit of God, we must disengage our brains. that's what my friend Misty reminded me when i called to ask her advice on my internship decision (ps... going to nashville this summer!).
so when i went down to the beach last week and got to hang out with her some more, we talked about it again. i'm pretty bad about using my brain more than my spirit, overanalyzing, thinking too hard about things. she brought up the point that when we use our brain, especially in relating to other people, we make judgmental decisions about them, whether those be positive or negative. but when we ask the Lord to tell us in our spirits, He can reveal what is really happening in those people's lives. this reminded me of the two recent suicides in auburn, both of which were people who were involved in spiritual community. so how many times do i walk by them, and by others, and just make a judgment from my brain that they're fine? oh, they're involved at church or somewhere, so i assume they're fine. it's so easy to be surfacey with people. i'm not saying that was the case, or the reason why with either of these two. but the Lord used it to remind me to look deeper and to ask Him to tell me, rather than just thinking something.
and this kind of follows that, but this little revelation came during my feature writing class: Information engages my brain. Experience and intimacy engage my spirit.
so the goal is not to learn more information, but simply to be with Him. that's when He'll reveal the depths of Himself.

Son-kissed

2006-03-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

i am willing to recognize that this could be borderline cheesy, but it was what the Lord gave me this morning in my time with Him, and i just had to share. i was sitting on my porch with my coffee. the birds were chirping, the sun was shining. you get the idea. beautiful morning. as i looked out across the fields and pond across from my apartment, the Lord was stirring in my heart the great things He's doing here in Auburn. and randomly, He put the alma mater on my heart. He had me write it down, and this was how it ended up (He made a few minor changes as we went through it):
on the rolling plains of dixie,
'neath the Son-kissed sky
proudly stands our alma mater
banners high
to Thy Name, we'll sing Thy praise,
from hearts that love so true
and pledge to Thee our loyalty
the ages through
We hail Thee Jesus, and we vow
to work for Thy just fame
and hold in memory as we do now
Thy cherished Name.
Obviously, a few minor changes. let me hit on some of the key points i felt like He touched on. first of all, the Son-kissed sky. what a beautiful picture. it reminds me of a vision a friend had of light breaking through the clouds over the sky in auburn as truth penetrates the hearts of His people and more people come into this sweet intimacy with Him. also note, banners high. if you'll recall, one of the names of the Lord is the Lord my Banner. and in song of solomon, His banner over me is love. please note: the banner is high in the song, that all may see. all the rest of the changes referred to changing it from glory to Auburn to glory to Jesus' name. it was like He told me that auburn really was made for this. what a joy to be in this place!

pride and prejudice

2006-03-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

after multiple times watching the movie (i won't say how many) i thought i should share the sweet revelation the Lord gave me through pride and prejudice.
He really used a mix of the book and the movie to show me this profound truth: true love will always be expressed through humility. let me take a moment to explain how He showed me this... if you haven't seen the movie, this might be confusing. you should go watch it.
when mr. darcy first confessed his love for miss elizabeth, she was absolutely shocked. ever since she had met him, she had perceived as a proud and pompous jerk. and when he shared his feelings, he even brought up the whole issue of his status and the inferiority of her birth. pretty bold... pretty prideful. and then he was surprised when she rejected him. meanwhile, she's completely shocked that he even had such feelings for her, since all she had seen of him was his proud attitude.
after this, mr. darcy goes to extreme measures to amend the wrongs miss elizabeth held against him. the most powerful expression was when he paid for the wedding and a considerable dowry to one of his greatest enemies for the sake of preserving the bennett family's integrity.
moving on to love confession number two (which was just such a great scene in the movie). here is when the book was so revealing to me. mr. darcy says to her that her rejection had indeed been humbling for him, and that was just what he had needed. he tells her that all he had done, especially the humbling act of giving money to his enemy, had all been for her. all he wanted was her love in return.
now to us... God spoke to me and showed me that if love is genuine, it must be given in complete humility, or it will not be received. just like mr. darcy, He could have come in all His greatness, reminding us of how advantageous it would be for us to accept Him. but... He knew we would never understand how real His love was if He had done that. He came in the humblest of circumstances, in a lowly stable surrounded by lowly people. He died a humiliating death, paying a huge ransom to His most hated enemy, all for our redemption. He did that so we wouldn't accept Him just for the advantage He offers. instead, we see His love is real and we are free to simply love Him back.
"you had to know... it was all for you."

promised land

2006-03-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

so it's good reading in the book of numbers. you might not think it, but there's some quality stuff in there. as i read numbers 13-14, the Lord gave me some insight into how it applies to where we are right now in auburn. and not just here, but the Body of Christ as a whole.
quick summary: these two chapters cover the story of the israelite spies who went in to scout out the Promised Land before the israelites would take it. they got back and told all the people that basically there was no way they could possibly capture the land... all the people were giants. so here's where it gets interesting. after the spies' reports, all the israelites were ready to head on back to egypt (back into slavery).
hmmmm... parallel to us? God told me to read the passage with the mindset of revival as the Promised Land (because it has been promised to us). first thing to note: the influence of the spies. all but two believed that defeat was certain. their attitudes (this is only 10 men) influenced a whole nation to believe that it was impossible to take the land. but notice caleb and joshua's response of confidence: "we should by all means to up and take possession of it, for we will surely overcome it." now that's the kind of man i want to follow... confident in the Lord's power to overcome.
but here's the real interesting stuff. even when we're on the brink of the Promised Land (revival!), many will want to turn back. it's because they want the easy route. and the road really won't be easy. we will have to fight. later in the chapter, the israelites realize their mistake and try to move on by their own initiative. but the Lord had not directed them so, and thus they were struck down by their enemies. to move ahead without the Lord's direction is an assured loss.
He also pointed out to me that the israelites had never been ready to acutally pack up and go back to egypt, they had just always talked about how life was better in egypt. it was when they were literally on the brink of entering the Promised Land. key here: the worst attack from the enemy came right before an amazing display of God's power in overcoming their enemies and giving them the Promised Land. so with us, the worst attack from the enemy (in which he did not try to actually take out the israelites, only turn their hearts away from God and His promises) is right before the Promised Land (revival). the battle is real...

it's coming...

2006-02-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

leviticus 25:9-10
you shall then sound a ram's horn abroad... on the day of atonement you shall sound a horn all through your land. you shall thus consecrate the fiftieth year and proclaim a release through the land to all its inhabitants. it shall be a jubilee for you...

acts 3:19-21
therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord; and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed for you, whom heaven must receive until the period of restoration of all things about which God spoke by the mouth of His holy prophets from ancient time.

against the flow

2006-02-20T15:19:00.000-08:00

well i'm on a new kick. i'm becoming strongly anti-mainstream. the Holy Spirit has kind of been working this in me over about a week and a half. here are my thoughts...
i feel like there is mainstream Christianity. now as i say what i think, all this comes with a disclaimer: a recognition that i have spent most of my life in this mainstream, normal christianity. and there's a lot to be said for that. but i'm just beginning to back away from that. and when i step back, i see this kind of generalization that's happening in the church. lots of people have similar relationships with God. not the same, but there's a lot of similar. and i feel like a lot of our uniqueness is getting lost in the mainstream.
so i'm questioning a lot of structures and institutions i've always clung to. like Christian books for example. i used to want to just read and read and hang out in Christian bookstores. and now i just don't know how i feel about this overabundance of Christian literature. it's like some people get a great revelation, so they find it wholly necessary to go write a book about how i should apply it to my life. and that's the Christianity so many americans are settling for. having someone else's spiritual revelation be imposed on their relationship with Father. now i know there's a lot to be learned from christian books. obviously people are called to teach, and some do it through writing. but i am desiring this type of unique intimacy with Him that can't be received through reading what someone else experienced or what worked for them. i don't want to conform to the mainstream... i want a unique and individual relationship with Jesus.
and He showed me this picture last night of how people who are willing to go against the flow create a literal type of friction. note: this is not division, it is friction. big difference. the friction makes us uncomfortable where we are. it sharpens. and it moves us to a place where power can be released.
i don't want any more information. knowledge only puffs up. i want intimacy... not a concept, but the real thing. deep conversations with Him and quality time just being with the Holy Spirit. all these concepts and right steps won't do anything but impose someone else's relationship with Him on me. then we'll all end up with these really similar relationships, while He desires individuality in His intimacy with us.
i'm loving where He has me right now... i am really moving in the direction of absolutely not caring what people think of me. and that's a pretty fun place. all i want, all i need, is Jesus.

it's His job

2006-02-15T14:01:00.000-08:00

i have been reading watchman nee's "messenger of the Cross." (ps... you should read it too!) nee was talking about how emotion is a work of our soul, and works in opposition to the work of the Cross through us. this is what he said that really got me:
"Sometimes we receive special grace from God; our hearts are filled with light and joy... our hearts feel as if they are ready to overflow. We can hardly hold ourselves back from speaking to others about the Lord... however, at such times... we babble unceasingly about the things of God. Such works are fully of the emotion."
ouch. surely not me! haha... oh i think way too highly of myself sometimes. i'm one of those. a spiritual babbler. and it puffs me up. it's hard, because He tells me such good stuff sometimes, i feel the need to turn around and tell every single person who's willing to stop and have a deep conversation. and i have a desire to show people truth. but sometimes all that does is build a higher spiritual image of myself in my mind, feeding my already disgusting pride. and this morning He called me out. sometimes it's good to tell people. but sometimes He just wants to do it, and my role is to pray. that's right, it's not always my job to tell people what the Holy Spirit tells me. sometimes it's His job. imagine that. and He showed me that when i take a backseat on telling everybody everything, i'll be more committed to praying for them. because i genuinely want them to know, and i'll genuinely pray that He'll show them. and then i don't get the whole pride issue, because it wasn't me that told them. it was Him. only when i choose to allow every conversation i have to be specifically directed by the Spirit will my pride be put in its place.

the believer's authority

2006-02-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

so i was checking out Revelation 12:10-11, just meditating on it before we started small groups monday night. such rich words!

"now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night. and they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life, even when faced with death."

nice. notice... the kingdom of God comes when the accuser has been thrown down. the accuser is thrown down when the brethren (that's us!) take authority over him. we overcome him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. it's not one or the other. i have a tendency to want to fight it out with just the word of my testimony. i honestly enjoy sharing what the Holy Spirit is teaching me and speaking that truth to others. but if it is not co-working with the blood of the Lamb, it is in vain. probably because if it's just the word of my testimony, even if it's good words, pride is working behind it. i am easily puffed up by sharing "spiritual revelations" with others. but the blood of the Lamb is the ultimate picture of humility (check out Philippians 2:5-11... a picture of Christ's perfect humility). the cross opposes pride. the blood of the Lamb can not glorify me. that's why we must fight with both. satan is defeated when we possess the humility of the cross and speak of its work in our lives. God has delegated authority to us, but we must use it wisely. may we live as the overcomers He has created us to be.

this is not my home...

2006-02-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

so i've really been struggling this week. it's such a relief to know that feelings are not truth, because my emotions have been running all over the place. i don't know when it hit me...sometime sunday night. out of nowhere, i suddenly felt drained. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i felt tired. i took a step back and looked at my life for a while. recently i started writing things in my planner (a normal semester ritual for me...i start the planner for the first three weeks before i lose it and forget about it). so i thought about my planner...all the weekly meetings, small groups, classes, time scheduled for work outs. normal things really. and i've done so much better this past year about not putting too much on my plate. i thought about what i do in my spare time...i usually try to hang out with people, maybe go grab a cup of coffee, do some studying. and suddenly all this routine seemed miserable to me. i've never really felt this way before. i just really felt tired of all the routine. and it's funny, because these past few weeks, i have been receiving so much life and insight from the Holy Spirit. i've been walking in so much fullness with Him. so i was baffled. why, when i am at a peak of intimacy with Him, am i suddenly dissatisfied with my life? well i chewed on this for a few days, just telling Him how i felt. all kinds of doubt crept in, and i felt like the enemy was beating me down. and then, in the middle of my feature writing class (which is NOT exciting usually) He spoke such great truth to me. He told me i'm supposed to be uncomfortable here, because this is not my home. i was not designed to ever be completely fulfilled in this world. i will always have a struggle here. that's why paul said he PRESSES on, STRAINING to win the prize to which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3). it is a strain. but He is worth it.

did i really just do this?

2006-01-31T21:50:00.000-08:00

yes i did. it's almost midnight. i've got a test in less than 12 hours. i've hardly studied. and i really felt like distracting myself further. so here i am, starting the blog i've been thinking about doing for about a month now. started when i was back in abbeville over the break and all i was doing all the time was reading other people's blogs. i'm really not sure if anyone will read this. and i don't really care. i just felt like this was where the Spirit was leading me tonight, so here i am. just trying to be flexible.
there's a lot to be said for blogs. for a while i was quite against the whole trendy thing i thought was going on. there is a danger in replacing our real, intentional conversations with people by just reading their blogs to get caught up on what the Lord is doing in their lives. i'm really not counting on enough readers for that to be a problem with me. but hey, i figure if just one person reads and is encouraged by anything God has shown me, well then all this might be worth it.
ok so now that i've posted a basically pointless first post...at least i feel like i've gotten started. if this is all you're reading...don't give up. come back later and give me another chance.