untitled

if God is going to use me, i absolutely must die to self.

community

recently i've been pondering a lot what direction i need to take for ministering to others in the body. what is He calling me to do? to whom is He calling me to minister? what is my role to be?
as i've been seeking, i've been struggling with listening to what He was saying. but i heard two messages yesterday, both on acts 2, both talking about the fellowship of believers. as i was processing both of them, i realized that the way He's revealing Himself in our generation is completely relational. it hasn't always been this way, but people today need a personal, relational connection to be able to subscribe to something. spiritual life the way we know it demands to be expressed in the context of community. He is currently in the process of moving me into a new type of community. i once heard someone say that if you want to know God's will for your life, follow the relationships. He reminded me of that this morning on my way to work. He told me that if i pursue (with the purposes of God) the relationships He puts in my life, He will give clarity and direction through that. my spiritual life will be fueled by this kind of purposeful community.

following

the message for a disciple of Jesus was simple: FOLLOW ME.
if you take a look at the life and ministry of Jesus, it wasn't exactly "well-organized." (not like the churches we have today.) He was anti-institutional and impractical. His methods for healing and spiritual disciplines were far from consistent. one day He's just speaking to a blind guy and he's healed, another time He goes to all the trouble to spit in the mud and put it on the blind man's eyes to impart healing.
the point is: Jesus didn't do this on accident. He knew that if He gave His followers a formula, then that's what they would follow. instead of following Him. if we had a recipe for spiritual success, we would simply use that instead of seeking HIM. the dependence would be on a system instead of a divine Person.
He says, "follow ME," not "follow my example," or "follow my methods."
Jesus was impractical because that's what He calls us to be. that's what a life of faith looks like.
when Peter was talking to Him about this after the resurrection, he was already getting sidetracked... asking about what would happen to john. Jesus said, basically, that was not to be peter's concern. "What is that to you? You follow Me!"
there is a difference between following Him and following His example. for the latter, my focus is set on my behavior... it's about what i do. but for the former, it is about being with Him. when i am following Him, i am in His presence, close enough to hear Him speak. HE is the object of my attention, energy, devotion.

the courts

psalm 96:8
ascribe to the Lord the glory of His name; bring an offering and come into His courts.

He has extended an invitation for us to come into the courts... into His presence!

will i come?

will i stay there?

no really... i am still here

sorry it's been a while... just in case people are still out there checking my blog.
honestly, i don't like to write down what's going on unless i feel like it's substantial. and the past week has been the first time in quite a while when i feel like i have been in His presence enough to receive anything of substance. but what a rich week it has been! so there's a few thoughts about what i should even say right here... but i'm just going to stick to one train of thought per post so as to not overwhelm. (overwhelm myself that is!)
He's been showing me consistently that any creativity i want to express is going to be a result of being in His presence. it's just not in me, but when i am with Him, when i really get to be with Him, He stirs it up in me and pulls it out of me.

Isaiah 6:4-7
And the foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the temple was filling with smoke. Then I said, "Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts." Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand which he had taken from the altar with tongs. He touched my mouth with it and said, Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is forgiven." Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

so the truth is that our very condition is changed when we are in His presence. isaiah's lips were purged of sin... and God has made atonement for my sin as well. and then... gosh this is good. it's not so much that He sends us out. the original Hebrew word there also means "to set free, to let loose." so He changes who we are, and then lets us loose to express ourselves creatively. it's not so much that He's forcing us into certain roles to fulfill our destinies... but it's that we come into His presence and when we are made holy, He then releases us to live out our dreams.
that takes a lot of pressure off of the decision making process! He has put in me what He wants me to do, and He allows me to tap into that when i come into His presence. and then i can live in the freedom of knowing my choices to live out my passions are also working to fulfill His purpose for me.

well it's been a while...

so... i've haven't exactly been a faithful blogger. but i've been reading these "daily meditations" by watchman nee, and this one was so exciting for where i am, i just had to post it. and i'm going to try to do better in the future, starting with this. really.

We are always in danger of setting a limit to what God can do. Today God wants us to prepare for a new release in the work of the gospel, but we set him a target beyond which our faith is not prepared to go. We have not understood the flight of the Lord's "arrow of victory." Our gratification over the hundred souls that have come to Him may be the thing that hinders them coming in their thousands. Is it not possible that the large hall we have built for the proclamation of the gospel may impose a limit on future growth? There is always a grave danger of circumscribing God's grace. The blessing He gives is intended to pave the way for greater blessing, never to become a barrier to it. By all means let us work to a plan, but let us shake ourselves from all trammels of the past and live in a state of constant expectancy. Right ahead of us lies a work immensely greater than that which lies behind. God plans for us unprecedented blessings.

hungry

this time in my life is marked by a deep hunger, a craving for more intimacy with the Holy Spirit, more authroity and power in my life as a result of that intimacy. but i find that grasping and reaching for it doesn't work. i've tried, but now i realize, all over again, that it will never work. i have to be poised to receive. completely still, getting only what He gives freely.
but i wrestle with this anxiety that attacks my spirit, telling it to be busy. i want to be still, but i am not. i clean my room instead. what am i afraid of? why is it so hard to listen?