distracted

i should be writing my paper for perspectives right now. but i'm having a real hard time focusing. big surprise.
over the past few weeks i think i've gotten a picture of what complacency looks like. i've come to truly despise my own casualness towards Him at times. it's funny how He's changed the way i see things over the years. i remember back in high school i used to use "laziness" and "complacency" interchangeably. of course, that's also when i thought if i didn't have my quiet time every day then i was a pretty bad christian. point being... it's not that i'm really that lazy now. rather, quite the opposite problem. my schedule is full of hard work for the Lord. when it's not something directly ministry related, it's probably school work, which of course, i am studying to show myself "approved unto God" and doing all things as unto the Lord, etc., blah blah blah. you get the idea. so it's not laziness. nope... it's complacency. and how does it happen? i was talking about this earlier today. it's like one small compromise creates a gap between He and i. and then the space grows, and as it does, my vision of how big that space is gets clouded. and all of the sudden, it hits me one day that our intimacy has been terribly disrupted. why didn't it hit me before? complacency. hmmmm.....
the shame of realizing it, especially after being in such a place of intimacy (enter pride: "i should be above that... what a lie!!). and the joy of forgiveness. the sweetness of His presence returning. the gladness of my heart just to be with Him.