a promise for summer

for the past couple of weeks, i've found my daily time with the Lord isn't renewing... instead it's turned to routine. i believe this routine is a byproduct of my own complacency. i find myself burned out, not just with school, but with everything. eager for change. tired of spiritual activities which seem to consume my schedule, my life. whatever happened to just being? the frustrating thing is seeing it and being incapable of "fixing" it as i like to try to do. it's just a place of dependency. immaturity, yes. but learning even more so.
it's like He showed me this... i can't see past the spiritual activity in my life to see Him (which is funny cause you'd think i would find Him in that, not past it). so He told me it's time for me to find Him somewhere else. either somewhere where i'm not doing anything (the lack of activity) or maybe just finding Him in doing "non-spiritual" activity. or maybe both.
but what sustains me in the midst of this is His promise (He's so faithful!!!). He led me to pray for this summer to be a period of rest, refreshing, renewal. and not just for me, but for the whole Body of Christ in auburn. He showed me that only He can give us the rest so we can fight the battle He has called us to fight (lots of this has come through reading in Joshua). at the thought of fighting spiritually the other day, i suddenly felt exhausted. instead, He wants us to feel exhilarated from His presence.
side note: it's like how mary could sit for hours at His feet while martha bustled about. mary had chosen the best thing. she wasn't wrapped up in spiritual activity. she just wanted to BE with Him.
so friends... fellow soldiers... brothers and sisters... know that your rest, renewal and refreshing are in my prayers (especially for this summer) so that we may be fully equipped in Him to take the Promised Land side by side.

distracted

i should be writing my paper for perspectives right now. but i'm having a real hard time focusing. big surprise.
over the past few weeks i think i've gotten a picture of what complacency looks like. i've come to truly despise my own casualness towards Him at times. it's funny how He's changed the way i see things over the years. i remember back in high school i used to use "laziness" and "complacency" interchangeably. of course, that's also when i thought if i didn't have my quiet time every day then i was a pretty bad christian. point being... it's not that i'm really that lazy now. rather, quite the opposite problem. my schedule is full of hard work for the Lord. when it's not something directly ministry related, it's probably school work, which of course, i am studying to show myself "approved unto God" and doing all things as unto the Lord, etc., blah blah blah. you get the idea. so it's not laziness. nope... it's complacency. and how does it happen? i was talking about this earlier today. it's like one small compromise creates a gap between He and i. and then the space grows, and as it does, my vision of how big that space is gets clouded. and all of the sudden, it hits me one day that our intimacy has been terribly disrupted. why didn't it hit me before? complacency. hmmmm.....
the shame of realizing it, especially after being in such a place of intimacy (enter pride: "i should be above that... what a lie!!). and the joy of forgiveness. the sweetness of His presence returning. the gladness of my heart just to be with Him.

without love, i am nothing

i've been trying to memorize 1 corinthians 13. and one thought keeps returning... i really don't have much of a grasp on what it really is to love. the Lord has used a lot of situations in my life to bring this to light for me. He shows me my immaturity in the way i relate to people... the way i respond when people don't do what i think they should do. the other day my own shallowness and selfishness just kind of hit me in the face all at once. gross! i had to ask Him to change me. really change me. and i believe He can... in fact, this weekend, He kind of started the process. i was at home for easter. and it was like one thing after another just kept pricking my heart and i began to feel a very deep hurt. it's interesting how He'll use what i'm doing in school to teach me spiritual lessons. i was writing a story for my feature writing class about globalization affecting rural alabama towns, so of course i focused on abbeville. and it really broke my heart by the time i finished my story. talking to so many people whose lives are basically getting washed out in this huge process. all that to say... in the car on the way home i was talking to the Lord about how sad it made me. and not just the globalization, other things at home too. but the hurt was just bearing down on my spirit with this unbelievable pressure. and that's when He told me that He hurts too. only much more deeply, because He loves more deeply. the love won't come easily. it hurts to really love. but He's beginning the process in me, and i'm thankful.

sweetness

psalm 119:103
"how sweet are Your words to my taste! yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth!"
the other day i was with a friend and some comment was made about how much i love sweets. it's no secret. i have little or no self-control when it comes to eating the sweet stuff. especially chocolate. i just love it. the next day i was just spending some time with the Lord, enjoying the sweetness of His presence. and He made those two thoughts collide. and here was the result: what if the sweetness of His presence was such a reality to me that i never had the desire to eat any sweets because i already have His presence? wow. i started thinking about how often i have cravings for sweets. He wants me to literally taste the sweetness of His words, His presence... to stop running to the kitchen when i have a craving for something sweet, and instead retreat into my room for a taste of His presence.

disengaged

something interesting the Lord has been teaching me over the past week or two: when we walk by the Spirit of God, we must disengage our brains. that's what my friend Misty reminded me when i called to ask her advice on my internship decision (ps... going to nashville this summer!).
so when i went down to the beach last week and got to hang out with her some more, we talked about it again. i'm pretty bad about using my brain more than my spirit, overanalyzing, thinking too hard about things. she brought up the point that when we use our brain, especially in relating to other people, we make judgmental decisions about them, whether those be positive or negative. but when we ask the Lord to tell us in our spirits, He can reveal what is really happening in those people's lives. this reminded me of the two recent suicides in auburn, both of which were people who were involved in spiritual community. so how many times do i walk by them, and by others, and just make a judgment from my brain that they're fine? oh, they're involved at church or somewhere, so i assume they're fine. it's so easy to be surfacey with people. i'm not saying that was the case, or the reason why with either of these two. but the Lord used it to remind me to look deeper and to ask Him to tell me, rather than just thinking something.
and this kind of follows that, but this little revelation came during my feature writing class: Information engages my brain. Experience and intimacy engage my spirit.
so the goal is not to learn more information, but simply to be with Him. that's when He'll reveal the depths of Himself.